10 things NOT to do with your kids this summer

Preface: Almost a year ago, when I was trying to come up for a reason to start this blog, I came up with a lofty list of things I could write about. One of those was "kid/mom things." I hope the handful of "style" fans I might have attracted from wardrobe_remix will bear with me. Or bare with me, as I undress my stress. I mean, you very well might be mothers yourself, or fathers, guardians, older siblings, aunts/uncles, grandparents or babysitters. Or maybe you despise all children and just want to make fun of breeders. Whatever, I'm kind of making fun of myself again anyway, so everyone is welcome.

Either way, at some point you might be as desperate as I've been lately (it isn't even summer yet!) and have googled "things to do kids summer." Were you as underwhelmed as I was? I thought so. No one has the answers.

What the hell you are supposed to do with your kids for month after month?

I don't think anyone survives to blog about it. Therefore I will supply you with the ten things I've tried that are probably the reason no one survives.

Note: these are all things that do NOT include sitting in front of the computer or DVD player. We've got that one covered, duh. What do you think my kids are doing as I write this? :)

1. playing tag in the back yard = OMG, wanna quick way to gauge your fitness level? I've learned my lesson, don't go any faster than your 2 yr old. Plus, just take a closer look at the photo to the right, no dignified thirtysomething wants to admit they look like that while running.
   
   
2. hide-n-seek = This is fun for like the count of 100. If your kids are like mine, they hide in the same place one time after another... the whole 'Oh my gosh I'm just gonna give up and sit on this lumpy covered couch' gag is only funny to you once, to a 4 year old it is endless entertainment.
   
   
3. coloring = if I have to pick up another half ton of crayons scattered about the floor I'll seal somebody in wax.
   
   
4. water guns = Dude, the 50 cent ones don't work for shit and/or don't last long enough. No wonder they sell things like the super soaker.
   
   Tip: Should you give up after 10 mins, leave the cheapie guns floating (plugs out) in a big tub when you go inside. When you come back out, most of them will be filled.
   
   
   
5. cooking = sure it is fun to let the bigger kids stir a bowl of boxed muffin mix, until it is splattered all over the ceiling because they start fighting over the spatula.
   
   
6. sidewalk chalk graffiti = Stew was right, sidewalk chalk stains brick walls. Hey kids, want to help me spray and scrub this stuff off? They sprayed, but I had to scrub.
   
   
7. PlayDoh = this one keeps the kids happy for like 5.8 mins, then all hell breaks loose.
   
   
8. paper airplanes = see above.
   
   
9. riding bikes = see above, plus add the first-aid kit.
   
   
10. I haven't gotten this far. I give up. Want to watch a DVD?
    

Anyway, as you can see, even the most innocent activities can be dangerous for your sanity. But it is worth trying them once, or twice or every friggin' day until you are pulling your hair out and crying for Calgon to take you away.

Otherwise, here are a few things some esteemed bloggers before me have recommended, with my only slightly serious comments.

1. attend a baseball game = Are you kidding? With a 6 yr old, 4 yr old and a 2 yr old? Even with 2 adults on the ready, this sounds like no fun at all. Aren't baseball games just for drinking and hotdogs?
2. go fishing = um, ok, as long as each child has his own rod and reel and a case of never ending worms with little elves to bait the hook and make everything perfect and then take a picture before battling about taking the fish off the hook.
3. go to the zoo = sure, this is fun, until your 2 yr old decides he has enough of the stroller and instead wants to run like the wind, darting ahead between other families and kung fu floating up trees at the concession stand.
4. go hiking = this one is fun until your neurotic 6 yr old starts throwing a fit about the amount of insects that are hovering about his body at any given second. Are there spiders on this tree? Is there a tick on my leg? Is there a man-eating colony of ants down that path?
5. ride bikes to the ice cream shop = Are you kidding me? Where do you live, in cookie-cutter candyland? Obviously you don't have redneck teenagers/twenty-year-olds-off-from-work flooring pumped up 4x4s by your house twice a day with 10+ miles between you and the only ice cream place.
   
6. have a treasure hunt = This idea is good on paper. Your kids draws out the plans. It looks awesome, you are impressed and fuel their fire. You let them pick out what treasures to hide. They start yelling about why we aren't hiding the treasures yet. They freak out at the store when you are buying the treasures. They hide in their room because you are hiding the treasures in the wrong places. They throw a fit when it is time to start. And. Then. They cry when somebody else finds the friggin' treasure first.
7. go to the public library = anyplace where "inside voices" are required is generally NOT a good idea
8. co-op with your neighbors = your neighbors have a trampoline but you don't? or maybe a pool? time to build that fence! I'm sorry, but now that we actually have a neighbor, let alone one with a kid, I've found out that most of the time that means that kid arrives in your backyard (unsupervised of course) exactly at the minute you start having fun and then doesn't leave until you FORCE HER TO.
9. backyard camping trip = this only works if your tent didn't get blown across the yard by a tornado the last time you camped in your backyard (and then let it sit out there neglected for several weeks)... sure we still have the tent, but all the doodads that fasten it down?
10. take the kids to work= are you serious? like you'd get anything done! ... hey wait, this one actually sounds like a good idea, Stew you up for it? ha ha

All joking aside, PLEASE HELP ME! Ha ha. No really.

Actually, once you take a deep breath, step back and realize that you no longer have a life, then facing the endless summer is not all that daunting. I will survive! Hey yeah!

If only there were more parks w/ playgrounds around here. Tell me again why I said we shouldn't have the movers haul our playset down? I've recently signed up at KaBOOM!, a site that has a "playspace finder," only to find that no one there knows where the local parks are around here either. So I guess that will be my "act of kindness" mission this summer... to add and rate any parks I find to their database. You should do it too, for the sanity of all kid herders out there.