To Cathy, With Love

If my oldest sister Amy was an inspiration; an elusive twinkling aura...  then my older Cathy has always been a soundboard; a dependable constant, my sun & moon.  Rising like the sun with me in the mornings, she'd watch Saturday morning cartoons:  Pac-Man; Smurfs; The Littles; Dungeons and Dragons... Like the moon, the light of her desk lamp as she did homework was a comforting shine in the dark, lulling me to sleep, but keeping me in a dreamy state of admiration.

Four years older and the middle sibling, she was always the mediator, seeing both sides.  Technically, she and Amy were closer in age by a year.  For a year or two, Cathy hung out more with Amy, probably during her early teens or her Freshman year of high-school, when they'd drive together in Amy's old Plymouth '64.  However, while I can lovingly say that during Amy's later teens, she "pretended I didn't exist" - I could never say that about Cathy.

She was always there for me and always has been.  At age 16 Cathy had already raised, trained, and showed a horse (or two!).  Not to mention mastering several farm/field chores like driving a manual truck and tractor, backing up a grain wagon and sorting hogs.  For the most of it I was happily playing Barbie Townhouse in the basement, but eventually Cathy was whipping me into shape, forcing me out of the house to do chores with her (she could heft a square hay bale like 3 rows up people!), and ultimately to go out horse riding with her.

She always believed in me, even when I was whining.  She basically told me to shut-up and bite the bullet.  From the other bank, sitting confidently on her bitchy mare, she wouldn't leave me behind... rather, she kept steady, holding Lady, who was biting at the bit, but she'd calmly and commandingly persuade me to whip my cute but lazy pony, Sprite, into action, and just jump over the damn muddy bog already!  That is so metaphorical for my life and her involvement in it.  

 In school, it was Cathy that came to mind of the teachers when they called a "Dargin" for attendance on the first day.  She'd been Salutatorian the spring before I started my freshman year.  She wasn't your generic book-smarts nerd, but I do remember her having friends over for "study sessions" fueled by humor and candy.  She just always had good 'ole common sense, the kind that knows it is a good idea to study... even though they put it off until the night before, ya know?  Both of us followed in Amy's footsteps by way of being not-really-so-cool-to-be-band-geeks, yet while I followed Amy's jazzband baritone sax trail, Cathy forged her own way with a powerful trombone.

Academically I tried my best to live up to Cathy's standards... I'm not sure I studied as much as she did, but I certainly had learned early on that smart kids did their own homework every night.  She is a fellow procrastinator, seemingly able to pulls As out of her ass no matter what.  I owe her thanks for any recognition I got for any of my academic honors.  Plus I owe her for introducing me to many of my favorite music choices AND instilling a love for driving, the faster the better.  I have a clear memory of cruising west on I-80, riding shotgun in her formerly-a-police-car white Dodge(?), rocking out to Depeche Mode.

Though Cathy ended up studying biological science in school (after a brief stint at equestrian science [Hello drive across Missouri, you're boring!!!!]), she could very well have aced an engineering degree too.  Mom jokes that Cathy was always trying to take things apart; I'm pretty sure she got a power screwdriver for a Christmas present one year.  Grandma Long depended on Cathy to put the batteries in her watches up until the last watch was needed.  Cathy knows the power of tools, WD-40 and duct tape.

Plus she knows how to pack.  Sure, while her weekend travel luggage might be laughingly overcompensating and HUGE; you'd better believe she can strategically pack a whole household into one UHaul in one day, or two, tops.  Not to mention successfully drive thusly packed but unwieldy truck through the swerving switchbacks of the Blue Ridge and Appalachian mountains!  AND survive a blow to the head by a full oxygen tank on top of it all!

Our birthdays are a winter week apart, so we almost always shared the celebration.  But I never felt slighted and I'd guess that she didn't either.  Afterall, she came first.  :)  Fellow Aquarians, we both seem to share some of the astrological characteristics:  "unusual, unemotional, original, and independent" but I feel that Cathy has more of the warmer touches: the humanitarian spirit, the charisma and charm, better able to function socially without the aide of alcohol.... unlike little old introspective me.  For me, both Amy and Cathy could always light up a room... maybe that is just the awe of an older sibling, but I don't think so.  I think all events, even as dull as minding the kids or cleaning house, are just plain funner with Cathy there to add perspective and bear with me.

After that period she was at school in MO, Cathy left to live and work in Colorado, and it was sad times for the whole family.  It very well may have been the first Christmas Eve that we weren't all together as a family. I'm sure she visited at some point, but my main memory of her absence is of a road-trip me and best friend, Kelly, made out to Denver the summer of '92 to visit Cathy and to see Lollapalooza at Fiddler's Green Amphitheater.  I came home with a new appreciation for Pearl Jam as well as being sunburnt, but happy... and even more thrilled when Cathy moved back to live near home my senior year of high school. How great was it to have two sisters living in the "metro" region; two places to escape to and... it sounds cliche but, to find myself.

In early college, Cathy and I were more distant.  She was primarily working and diligently finishing up her Biology BS.  I was floating around as an undecided undergrad that partied rather than studying and working; so our interests weren't as shared as before.  Yet she still took the time to come up and visit me.  Amy and I may have been emailing, but Cathy was the one that visited, and it was memorable.  I mean, when isn't VEISHEA memorable?  Oh wait, when you're a grad student?  ha ha

I can still remember drunkenly yelling out to her from my dorm room window as she crossed the parking lot four floors below me.  It was probably her reassuring presence that allowed me to get so blissfully drunk I blacked out for like 4 hours.  Mom, don't worry, it was a long time ago, and Cathy was reliably pretty much sober.  :)  Even after all those crazy freshman antics, she still visited.  I can think of at least three other times she came up to Ames... and I think only one of them was to help me pack up and move (and I wasn't even there! she was helping my BFF and my future-husband move all my junk for me before I got back from an internship... Hello? Awesome sister?).

Of course now we come up to the loss of Amy... which obviously impacted both of us deeply.  Amy had been staying with Cathy temporarily, and we had all worked together to get her packed up and ready to go.  The loss on that rainy night was heartbreaking, but I think it bound us all together even more tightly.  A year after, when I was in New York for the summer, Cathy and I talked on the phone, probably on Amy's July birthday.  It felt wonderful to choke up about it; to cry with someone else and not feel so isolated with the grief.  Cathy and Amy were always close, but I don't think I realized how often they talked as "adults" until that conversation (or one like it) when Cathy mentioned she missed talking with Amy almost every day on the phone.  It still hurts me now to think of the loss Cathy experienced, and each time I think of it I get an urge to call her, even if there is nothing really important to say.

It happens less these days, but I still relish the calls and visits I have with Cathy.  We have grown up and moved on.  Both married with households to tend, but with different "work" scenarios, we can still bounce things off each other.  I may not call her as much as Amy may have, but I still value her opinion, especially on practical matters and when times are hard.  That sounds dreary and depressing but just having someone to talk to that listens without judgement is so valuable.  I kid him about it, but Stew also calls Cathy to talk things over... at times, it is even before he talks it over with me!  Um, hello?

Kidding aside, she has stuck with me(us) through the trials and tribulations of moving, work, travel, being housemates, baby, lay-offs, moving, lay-offs, moving, baby, grad school, baby, lay-off, moving, etc.  Other than getting her PharmD and being gainfully employed during all that, she has also solidified her position as family logistics queen... not to mention becoming that Awesome Aunt that all kids wish they had.

Somewhat recently, and it was small, simple, and unsolicited... just seeing her happily spend an hour with my rowdy boys, outside, in the barn, messing around on a tractor- was extremely moving.  As if my confidant, my mentor, one of my closest friends, was accepting yet another complicated piece of my life with charming ease, and confidently telling me to just quit my whining and jump.

I love you Cathy!

Have a happy birthday on Sunday, I'll be there in spirit.

You never want anything, so I thought I'd do your tribute early as my Friday post, where you might see it and be surprised.